Most people think of depression as a clinical condition of not coping well with life. And that is the extreme picture of what it is like to feel that life is not worth living. I am not addressing that condition. It is real and requires medical/psychological intervention to sustain life.
But, there is a lesser type that many of us can relate to…and I am labeling it low self-esteem. It can range from “laziness” of self-care to just barely motivated to do the minimal unless there is external observation. My observation of my life is that it can be (and is, for me) a learned response…a self-doubt based on being afflicted by several health issues that made me different from others.
This manifests in my life sometimes as not dusting unless someone comes over…and then only doing the public rooms. Or it might be only washing clothes when I have run out of underwear…and then leaving clean clothes lying around the bedroom…half folded, half in the dresser where they belong. Or it might be eating a lot of fast food or the wrong foods – whatever is quick and requires little effort. But, it is always accompanied by an internal voice that says, “I can’t”, “I’m not good enough”, and is filled with lack of ability.
I didn’t work at changing this. I saw nothing wrong with the lack of motivation. I was comfortable in my lackadaisical living style. I lived alone. There was no one who cared or noticed nor did I for a long time.
Then I took a couple of trips…one to Scotland, one to Japan. Neither one was earth shattering…nor immediately important to me. But, both started me on a path of reflection.
Scotland was a six week tour of the Highlands and Islands. It was constant movement, and both a foreign experience and a feeling of being at home. It was a spiritual experience and a scary one of traveling on my own alone. I loved it and was scared out of my mind sometimes. But…I did it. I came home with lots of new experiences and memories.
Japan was a re-connection with a long-term friend and a spiritual journey at the same time. For that one, I was looking to reconnect with my Christian upbringing and my current faith journey. I met Jack, Cathy’s husband for the first time and listened as he taught me about faith just by being himself. I re-connected with Cathy in memories and talks. And, I came away from Japan with more than I went for. My faith found a new basis…and I realized that Japan was a separate country and unimpressed with myself. I bumbled my way through airports and a language I did not know…and still got myself where I needed to be…and back home again…alone.
Both trips made a big difference in my usual life. I made changes. I joined a gym. Not especially an unique action as I had done that in the past before…and never really stuck with it. But, this time, I paid extra for trainer run small group sessions twice a week. And, I stuck with it. Even renewed the contract for another year. Elsewhere I have documented the various ways that decision and action has benefited me.
I joined a delivered meal plan and ordered 4 dinners a week…pescatarian, which is fish and vegetables. It turns out that 4 dinners for two every week is too much. I always have leftovers. So I have reduced my subscriptions to about twice a month. However, overall I eat healthier and more regularly. Fast food has become a rarity for me. And, grocery shopping has dropped out of my repertoire as a regular thing, since the meal plan sends me the needed groceries and a recipe for making the dish. As a result, I have learned how to make quick dishes, tried foods that I ordinarily wouldn’t, and found a few favorites that I loved.
The exercise (and perhaps the healthier meals) led to improved health, loss of weight, increased strength, and, for each minor milestone reached, a sense of improved self-esteem. But the trainer has begun gradually to make an impression when she encourages me to try something I am sure I can’t do but she believes I can. As a result I have recently been made more aware of how frequently I sabotage myself with negative self-talk. I am learning that when a movement is hard to do, I tend to think “I can’t” before even trying it.
That has led to changes that I have recently acknowledged. I clean my home more regularly…that means dusting and vacuuming, that means laundry, too. And, things are put away as cleaned. Dishes are done by the end of the day. Piles of stuff on the dining table have been cleared away. I am finding that I am worth a clean home, clean clothes that are taken care of, and that my desires have value. So I burn incense in my space. I play soothing background music. I burn candles for atmosphere that soothes.
I am choosing me more often. I am becoming more aware of when something is worth pushing toward, and when I need to stop to protect myself. I am not suddenly fully aware and positive. Rather I am taking steps most days to being more so. That is important to me.
Feathers of My Mind 