Two years ago, my husband died. Although I have been more at peace this year, I have found that I am still missing him. His diagnosis of metastasis in May, his treatment/decline/and family gathering in June, and his death in July have all made me remember, mourn, and pray.
Now my mother is dying. It has been coming for awhile, and I would rather she go now than linger as the dementia robs her of her abilities even more. Her decline accelerated last year about August, and I began mourning the change in our relationship then. In February, we (the nursing staff and family) thought she was dying and so plans were made for her memorial and ending. Then she rallied…and had nearly 4 months more of contact with us, her children. Now we are just waiting for the call to say she is gone.
I’ve also been thinking of the continuation of life. It seems to me that we do not “get on with it” or end a mourning period when a love one dies and we continue. Rather, we find a way to incorporate that event into the rest of our lives.
I will miss my mom and my relationship with her once she passes, just as I missed my dad after he died. But, my life was not so intimately bound to either of them as it was to my husband, so they will gradually, over time, move more to memories.
Whereas, Ed is still alive for me – in my speech, in my thoughts, and even in my dreams. Where I live (the house, the town, the area) is filled with him and the places we went and the things we did. He is woven into the very existence of my life. So, I won’t be moving on. Instead I will find a way to continue to live on this world as he does in his new world, and, if it is purposed, one day we will again be in the same world.
May healing, forgiveness, and love bless all who have lost a loved one. May we each find a way to continue. And, may all blessings be on those who mourn.
Feathers of My Mind 