A Winter’s Contemplation

Dictionary.com defines contemplation as:

• 1. the act of contemplating; thoughtful observation.
• 2. full or deep consideration; reflection: religious contemplation.
• 3. purpose or intention.
• 4. prospect or expectation.

For me, winter means rest…a time for reflecting on what has been and a time for planning for what is to come. It is a time for making resolutions about the New Year…a time for dreaming of the garden to be planted in the spring…and a time for reviewing what went well this year and deciding how to correct the things that did not work.

I had a good year overall. It was the first full year that I did not share with my husband. I had times of fuzzy thinking…panic…trying hard to keep it together, but I also had times of triumph when I learned how to do something new or achieved a new skill or competency. I worked on my New Year’s Resolutions and made progress in all areas. And, I got through it.

As a result, I am a stronger woman. I have more of a sense of my own self and the rightness of my own choices for me. I am still learning and growing…and choosing.

Last night I chose to stay home rather than go to bar night for the Columbia Leather Order group to which I belong. It was to be a cold, rainy night and staying home with a fire and incense…and a good meal…and a good book – well, that was more appealing to me. The thing is that, prior to making that decision, I waffled between going and staying. Once I made the decision, I found peace…and thoroughly enjoyed my evening.  It did not mean that I am less interested in the leather community…it meant that I made a choice for myself. I am still leather in my heart as I am still Jewish in my soul. It is a piece of me. Yet, making a choice for myself was also part of who I need to be sometimes.

I will continue my journey into Leather and Judaism. That will be part of my life in the New Year. However, I will also set goals for developing a more whole me. So far, I have decided on three areas for my next year’s resolutions: finances, new learning, mitzvah. (That last one refers to the many commandments given to the Jews for how to live, but the common usage means a good deed.)

I know that there are some things I will continue, like the garden and cooking. I was amazed at how much I enjoy both of those activities. There are some additional things I will try, like taking over the lawn care. And, there are some new things I want to explore, like Tai Chi and photography.

Over the next several weeks, I will continue to review this year and start planning for next year.