Those three words/phrases used in a sentence starting with “you” are often said by someone meaning well but which frequently ends by putting an obligation or requirement upon the person representing the “you”.
When we are children, it is most often the instruction that comes from a parent or teacher (or other person in authority) and is meant to teach us the proper way to behave. Such training is necessary to be a part of our society and to function within the defined limits of morality, decorum, and accepted behavior of the subset of society within which a child is raised.
The problem, as I see it, is when the inner voice assumes that method of training and continually tells the self that it should/ought or has to do a certain behavior to be accepted. And, at some level, we all want to be accepted. But, sometimes that inner voice negates the human being that lives within the self by insisting on acceptance into a group that does not fit that self.
Yes, it is easier to live a life filled with shoulds and oughts. It defines behavior in ways that do not ruffle the feathers of those around, even while, it creates a life in which one never measures up. (The inner voice keeps informing how frequently the mark is missed with a new “should”.)
Making choices and taking responsibility for one’s own choice (and life) is often a lonely proposition…especially if the choice goes against the norm. It is scary to rely on one’s own sense of right/wrong and lack the validation externally that others seem to have. It is an adventure into the unknown, sometimes.
I, for one, really incorporated that inner voice within. It has taken me a long time to listen instead to my own voice about how to be me. Initially, I had to learn what I liked in as simple a choice as chocolate vs. strawberry ice cream, rather than accepting what someone else told me I liked. (By the way, I like lots of flavors!) Later, it was making choices that friends or family would not approve or understand (or so I thought). Sometimes I hid those choices from their knowledge…at least until I could try them out. {I did that with learning to fly an airplane, which I knew my Mom would not encourage. Yet, it was something I wanted to try (and loved when I did try)…and yes, when she found out, she let me know I “shouldn’t” because I might get hurt! I have never told her about the sky-diving.}
Now I am making bigger choices. It is no longer just what do I like or want to try but more about what behavior feels more like me…that is, consistent with the who that I am, have become, or want to be. Is this behavior or choice reflective of what I value or esteem? Is it restrictive to choices I have made that I cherish?
I still react to the “should”-type statements of others when they are aimed at me. It truly feels like the statement is negating what my choices are rather than encouraging me to consider something else. And, I find that, when such a statement is made, my fight/flight response makes it difficult to hear the rest of what is said or meant, making it necessary to take a step back or leave the conversation for a bit. This surprises me a lot. I thought that I had worked through such reactions, but I guess not. Instead, I am learning how better to deal with my reaction. I will never succeed in getting others to quit using “should” when talking with me, nor should I. 🙂 Instead, I need to hear those sentences differently. I need to hear the caring and concern expressed. I need to learn to hear beyond those words.
I suspect that I will continue to search for my path and that it will differ from what others think it “should” be. But, as long as it is consistent with my own spirit-driven search for the path that I am meant to walk, I am content. Sometimes, lonely…but definitely content.
[Edited as I continued to think about this topic and how better to express my thoughts.]
Feathers of My Mind 