Sometimes I get overwhelmed…with what I need to do, what I don’t know how to do, obligations, loneliness…life, in general. That is one of the times that I miss Ed.
Several months ago, as I was going about my stressful, unfulfilled, worrisome day, a thought popped into my head. (Does that ever happen to others? I am learning to attend to such spontaneous thoughts.) “Just breathe.” I recognized it as the song I had heard recently at synagogue – Breathe by Jonny Diaz. (You’ll find the lyrics here.) Parts of the verses and chorus started repeating like a mind worm in my head. (Sometimes that inner voice IS persistent!) So, I decided to pay attention.
First, how do I do this? I mean, I breathe every second. Yet, I knew…I needed to find a way to STOP. How?
First, I set aside all plans. I decided that the time frame would be the weekend. (I started Friday night.) I would, for a couple of days, do what I felt like doing…not what I had to do. So…although I like cleaning, that and other chores/activities were out as a have-to. I also found different ways of looking at what I do daily…for example, cooking.
Ed was the cook in our family. He loved it, whereas for me it was a chore. When he died, I had not cook in about 20 years, and so it was a scary activity for me. We had moved into our home 4 years ago, so I did not even know how to use the stove! Mostly I lived on frozen meals, soups, quick foods.
So that weekend, I learned to cook by trial and error. I learned rules for making fish and roasted vegetables by reading the package on the frozen fish and learning about substituting. Now I do not need a recipe…I know that I can bake fish and roasted vegetables. I can change up the types of meat and vegetables and spices for a different meal without needing a specific recipe. I am still learning, but now I am more confident.
I hate shopping, but I so wanted a swimsuit so I could get in the pool with my friends rather than sit on the edge. So when the impulse hit me that weekend to go to the mall, I went. I headed to a store I recognized…J C Penney. They had several sales going on. The upshot is that I put together two pieces – a swimsuit top and an exercise bottom – to make a cute swimsuit for myself. Both parts were on sale…and I could solve the issue of no swimsuit fitting me this way. And…well, I have gotten so many compliments since then that I enjoy wearing it and find that I am not at all self-conscious. This is a great step for me, as I am not at all really comfortable with my aging body.
Other things about that weekend? I rested. I read when I felt like and what I felt like reading. I did yard stuff that popped into my head to do without feeling like I had to or should. I enjoyed what I did. I went to a farmer’s market. I went to a nursery that was having a celebration and tried the samples of lots of different food vendors. I had fun.
And, although the results and feeling of rest lasted for about a week afterwards, the memory of that weekend and the results on my life have persisted even with the gradual return of the daily stress. Would I do it again? You bet! Although, I suspect that each time I have a Just Breathe weekend, it may look different. And, that is OK. I think it is meant to help me find my way…and to bring me to my spiritual home. Oh, I didn’t talk about that.
So quickly…I spent the time reflecting and thinking. I realized that I had moved so far from my Judaic training that the Sabbath really did not exist more than Friday night candles. In many respects, it still doesn’t. The difference is that now I know it…inside. I am aware of it…and, I am gradually finding how to honor the Sabbath more in my life. Still not there. Lots of room to grow. But there is hope that I might find more ways to honor this day in my life. Oh! And, believe it or not, another mind worm followed: V’Shamru.
An English translation from https://www.centralsynagogue.org/worship/shabbat_services/shabbat_torah_blessings is:
V’shamru
The people of Israel shall keep the Sabbath, observing the Sabbath in every generation as a covenant for all time.
It is a sign for ever between Me and the people of Israel.
For in six days the Eternal One made heaven and earth, but on the seventh day God rested and was refreshed.
Appropriate, right?
Feathers of My Mind 