Beginnings

My life started over again last year. My husband, friend, Master, companion, life partner died.

Although Ed died July 15, I was in a daze for several months trying to learn to live but only coping. When January rolled around, I made my usual New Year resolutions, which were aimed at trying to get the ground under me again. I wanted to focus on health, spirituality, and purpose. Big goals, right?

Health. I retired 4 years ago. Since then, I have been a real couch potato. At first, it was the joy of not working and the love of books. And, Ed’s illness made it difficult for us to be as active as, I think, we both would have liked. So we watched a lot of TV together and went out only for munches with friends (or short driving trips). Then he died. Suddenly I found that I was not as strong as I wanted to be as physical activity tired me quickly. I made the rounds of my physicians for check-ups and discontinued followup with several: dermatology, podiatry, and cardiology. (Psoriasis was clearing up, toe fungus was cured, and primary care could follow the cholesterol med.) I started walking daily with my dog, Roxie…until she decided she no longer wanted to do that (about 4 months into it). I joined a gym and went for about a month but hit the boring part of that activity and just did not go back. I enjoy working in the yard and so I started counting that as my exercise…although it certainly is not daily. So much for my idea of exercise to get healthy.

I also started paying more attention to healthier eating. The cardiologist pushed a low carb diet, playing the diabetes card. I did try to lower my carbs but found that I eat potatoes, bread, noodles fairly regularly and realized that my diet would have to drastically change. A change I was not yet willing to make. Instead I have tried to focus on adding more fruits and vegetables. I also eat more fish than meat.

Although my cooking skills were really rusty (Ed did all the cooking and enjoyed it), I have learned how to operate the stove and grill. I am now able to cook dishes with some sense of competence and am no longer fearful of trying something new. I have not yet mastered the grill, but, at least, I have successfully used it a couple of times. I am no longer dependent on a recipe and can recreate dishes I have made before once I know the basics of the dish. (Fish, oil, spices – in 350 degree oven – for 15-20 minutes)

Ed liked to garden, so I started a garden this year. I have successfully grown (and eaten) sweet potatoes, Romaine lettuce, green bell peppers, tomatoes (several varieties) and yellow squash. I have harvested blueberries and strawberries and learned how to keep more for myself that the birds get. I am proud of what I have accomplished.

Spirituality. I converted to Judaism in the 80s. However, once I met Ed, I lapsed in attending synagogue. We did keep a kosher kitchen and followed kashrut for what to eat. And, I lit candles many Friday nights. And, we prayed whenever we went different ways and at mealtime. Ed found his way back to his Catholic faith before he died. And, I found myself lost. Faith had been a major part of my life for most of my life. Suddenly I felt adrift, so I decided to try to find a faith home.

I converted to Judaism because I woke up one day and found that my life was proclaiming a belief in the death and resurrection of Jesus (I was a novice in a religious order) and that I just did not see how his death could “save” me so many centuries later. So, I decided to leave the convent and study Judaism. I did not intend to convert, rather I thought I would find a way to believe what I had lost.  Well, it didn’t work out that way. So, although many of the songs and ideas that I learned through the first third of my life are still active and loved in my soul, a return to Christianity was not in the cards for the same reason I left.

I decided to try to find a Jewish synagogue for my spiritual home. I tried the local Aiken community, but they only meet once a month and I desperately wanted something more regular. They are also Reform, which is a branch of Judaism of which I am not knowledgeable. Next I have tried a Messianic community. Although I really like the people (very welcoming) and attended several times, I am not comfortable with the Messiah part of the worship. However, I did experience a return to faith…prayer…both in the worship and sparked by the worship. And, I discovered a new concept for me which was initiated by a song played during part of their service: the idea of Just Breathe. (More about that later.)

Anyway, my newest exploration is Chabad. I haven’t gotten to a synagogue yet…but I will.

Purpose. For this year, I have been exploring where I belong in the Kink and Leather worlds. Ed and I were active initially in AIRS (Augusta Iron Rose Society). Our membership had lapsed as he got more ill, so I have had to reactivate it by attending events. I have settled to attending the Munch and Dinner with Kinky Friends events fairly regularly. I am not interested in the play parties. I have also joined ALE (an educational group) and attend their munches monthly. Finally, I have become regular again in the Sub Connection group. My only issue with these three groups is that the monthly munches frequently fall in the same week, which makes for a bit of an expense on my fixed income at the end of my fiscal month.

In the Leather world, I am a member of the House of Purgatory (Ed and I joined prior to his death). I am also an associate member of Columbia Leather Order. I have attended 3 group runs, 3 conferences, and several bar nights of other clubs so far this year. I was attending CLO bar night regularly until this summer and HoP has started having monthly get togethers. During all of this, I have found that I am beginning to identify as a leather woman. I am not yet sure where this journey will take me or what it has to do with my purpose in life.

I have decided to now focus on finding the areas of life that I am most interested in. I would say passionate about, but that reflects more drive than I currently feel. One area that I have identified is the environment. The action that I have decided to do is to separate and recycle much of my trash. Right now I am just separating out the plastic. I am also reducing the use of straws. I have not yet totally accomplished removing them from my life, but I am working at finding ways to do so.

Well, this is long…but most introductions are. I needed to build the foundation for future blogs. Thanks for hanging in there with me.